Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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