I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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