Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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