can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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