barbara walters just said penis...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
two words: eviction party
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
