I will die if light touches me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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