just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
