Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
