my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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