this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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