i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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