when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
