I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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