I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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