HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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