FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
