It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
