so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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