You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When did angry sex become our thing?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
