So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't turn off my feet"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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