apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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