i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
