Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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