he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
vagina is talking i cant
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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