My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
