My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
