afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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