I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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