Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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