Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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