after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
