WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
