At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
