i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
