My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.