getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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