Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
