i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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