Who did Billy Mays play for?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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