Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
