I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
