____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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