You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
