He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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