Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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