I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I came so hard my ears popped.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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