I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis