Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
