Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
