My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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