he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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