The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
