I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
