i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
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fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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