somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
