so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
