Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize