Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
